Come one, come ALL! (Diaz; a highly personal blog post)
"Hence, you should stop searching for phrases and chasing after words. Take the backward step and turn the light inward. Your body-mind of itself will drop off and your original face will appear. If you want to attain just this, immediately practice just this."
Anyone who has been in class with me for longer than five minutes knows I'm not a philosopher. Did we even read Hegel in the LA? I honestly could not tell you! I can't remember half the material we read as it feels like I'm being hit in the face with a fire hose most days when working through Saint Johns material. The scope of what we cover in one program is vast and varied and deep. I love it, I appreciate it, and I'm growing because of it. But something in addition to philosophy happens for me.
I came to Saint Johns feeling like a very broken person, coming out of a decades-long struggle with my world. A lot of that will seep out in class or in one-on-one conversations with me, and I'm okay with that. I came to Saint Johns to learn how to ask questions and I'm achieving that. I'm not going to remember everything we read in either the LA or the EC. However, I will definitely remember how to look at something and be able to question it before adopting it, I will be able to question myself and look inward to evaluate long held beliefs discovering which ones serve and which ones destroy.
I carry a great deal of insecurity as I work my way through these programs because I'm not a scholar, half of the ideas many of you discover so quickly never occur to me. I'm a woman in her mid-40s who has educated her two children enough to send them off into the world, gave her life to both an organization and a man who found little to no value in her work, and find myself leaping into the second half of my life alone. My time at Saint Johns is like my own 'gap year' that many in their youth take before heading off to their next chapter. I'm finding immense value in the work I am doing at Saint Johns.
Dogen's words give me hope in this work. He reminds me that I do not need to rely on great wisdom, deep understand, and striving after knowledge. He says those things will do the work themselves and I should sit down, in a special way, tend to my body, and "Furthermore, the entire mirror is free of dust; why take steps to polish it?" I don't have to wait to figure something out intellectually (while that may be fun work sometimes, it doesn't hold the essential piece I tend to think it does for me to discover my own value to the world) and neither do I have to "be concerned with who is wise and who is stupid."
I've received this human life and I want to follow his advice when he says "do not waste the passing moments....Human life is like a flash of lightning, transient and illusory, gone in a moment." Feeling the empty nest syndrome reminds me how fast life is flying by. Dogen, and many other authors especially in the EC, are urging me, urging US, to sit, attend, listen, empty, be still, look, and discover what is truly beautiful in each and every moment.
I loved reading this short appendix because it was a line-drive straight to me that I am fully capable, as I am right now, of sitting down and leaping free of all that my own mind boxes me in to believe, and to enjoy a full body and mind experience with what is already real all around me. All I have to do is sit down, mindfully, and let wisdom and knowledge do its own work of washing away. "Know that the true dharma emerges of itself, clearing away hindrances and distractions." Too often, I am my own greatest distraction: comparing myself to others and their knowledge or understanding. Instead, Dogen reminds that even those in the past who were masters still sat down and stared at the wall for 9 years.
It's not that the work of pursuing knowledge, understanding, and philosophy is empty of value. I do love the exercise, and I'm learning so much from better thinkers than me. I think Dogen leaves space for these endeavors: "You could be proud of your understanding and have abundant realization, or acquire outstanding wisdom and attain the way by clarifying the mind." I'm just also elated that the invitation from him and centuries old authors is, come one, come all!
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.” (From Agnes De Mille’s 1991 biography of choreographer Martha Graham.)
ReplyDeleteI entered SJC with quite the imposture syndrome... I'd worked in silicon valley for 7 years, doing what everyone around me affirmed I ought to: building a career, earning ridiculous sums of money, being "independent." As my other posts have alluded to, this period mostly felt empty. The goals others strived for didn't satisfy me. I had all these big, existential questions but no one else seemed interested in asking questions about purpose or meaning, authenticity, suffering... As I moved through the LA program, I learned a lot of the philosophical jargon and the posture one typically assumes when approaching a text. But, I think it is important to carry with me a bit of the starry-eyed newcomer who was totally open to the texts and brought to it no preconceived notion of how a philosophical text should develop and how I ought to engage with it. So, I think it is a process of finding grace for yourself, but also recognizing that this very "outsider" perspective may actually be an asset. I've found that engaging with EC texts has been very different from those of the LA and in a way that has forced me to step away from the jargon and preconceived notions. I so often find your contributions refreshing, so human, relatable, and ultimately very helpful, grounding the conversation and helping us greet the text not only in the abstract/theoretical realm, but also as it applies to our lived experience. Embrace and celebrate all you bring to the seminar table, knowing it is an asset to the rest of us. And anyway, none of us (I imagine) are doing these programs because of their utility (they're not "useful" for a promotion or something), but for something richer and more experiential. So, who cares if you don't remember Hegel! Trust that you'll carry with you the images and dialogues that most resonated with you and they will serve you as you continue along this messy path of what it is to be human. It seems rather silly to leave a heart in a comment, but maybe I've become so used to a digital communication that uses emojis... that I will end this comment with what I felt like opening it with: <3
ReplyDeleteThank you, both! I cherish the time you took to read my post and share very supportive words. This is a journey that I wouldn't change or alter for anything in all the world. I told my partner just the other day that if all the pain of my past only means that I appreciate the ways he loves me all that much more intensely, I welcome that pain and no longer feel bitter or confused by it. It educates me, it directs me, it helps ground me, and I choose to find purpose in it. I value each member of our little SJC EC community and am so grateful for each moment we have together!
ReplyDeleteMs. Diaz, all I can say is "me, too!" I am not a scholar, nor a philosopher, but I am a forever learner, and am constantly fascinated with the people in this program and the natural curiosity each brings to the table. I love the idea of this being your "gap" year! I went through the LA when I got my kids out of college and was as giddy as a teenager to be doing it (I remember loving Hegel, that's about it). Now I get to experience yet another "gap" year at 70, and am just as giddy. Bringing your "original mind," without preconceptions, shoulds and should nots, the need to impress anyone, and and listening intently to brilliant interpretations and questions is such a gift. Thank you for being one of my gifts!
ReplyDeleteMs. Diaz, all I can say is "me, too!" I am not a scholar, nor a philosopher, but I am a forever learner, and am constantly fascinated with the people in this program and the natural curiosity each brings to the table. I love the idea of this being your "gap" year! I went through the LA when I got my kids out of college and was as giddy as a teenager to be doing it (I remember loving Hegel, that's about it). Now I get to experience yet another "gap" year at 70, and am just as giddy. Bringing your "original mind," without preconceptions, shoulds and should nots, the need to impress anyone, and and listening intently to brilliant interpretations and questions is such a gift. Thank you for being one of my gifts!
ReplyDeleteMs. Carter, what a treasure you are! I love your thoughts and observations in class and truly hope we stay in touch after the program. I feel like you are someone who can be a great teacher for someone like me! (At a very organic level, no pressure, lol)
DeleteMs. Diaz, I am so glad you shared this post!
ReplyDeleteI feel that fire hose analogy. I have consistently struggled to "master" every reading in this program, and when I do not reach a satisfactory (whatever that means) level of comprehension, I tend to berate myself. I have recently questioned this cycle, and my new approach is to give things time. Yes, I didn't completely understand Ramanuja on a first pass, and perhaps I never will...but maybe that's okay. I do know that the more I panic about not "getting enough" out of a reading, the less I focus on the text and the more I fixate on my own inadequacies. It becomes an exhausting waste of time, a fruitless form of self-flagellation. I can't expect every reading to transform my understanding of the world, I shouldn't expect anything at all.
My struggle makes me think of the following Dogen passage: "When genuine trust arises, practice and study with a teacher. If it does not, wait for a while." (8)
I am learning how to wait, and how to grow genuine trust. Nowadays, I am better at walking away, allowing myself to take a break when I need to. You can't rush learning or understanding, just like you can't make plants grow faster by yelling at them.
I also love the comments section, what a great way to get to know everyone, and see how much we share, despite our different backgrounds and perspectives!
Thank you for "daring greatly" in the vulnerability arena, Ms. Herreid! Are you familiar with Brene Brown's work on shame? I love her Ted Talks and recognize vulnerability so much sooner than I used to and it has grown a deeper practice of appreciation for others. Love her!
DeleteI love the learning to wait, too. Learning some ways to focus my energies (breathing exercises and such) while I'm sitting has been invaluable. I still have to tell myself with every text to sit back and just let it speak. I've found that what speaks when I quiet my own voice is the part of the text that my spirit actually needs. This is happening much more for me in the EC than the LA. The LA was a great exercise for me in learning to ask good questions and consider new ideas. The EC is a great exercise for me to "grow trust" as you remind me of what Dogen says. Trusting my own ability to sit down with myself and a text and listen to get to know my own voice is a valuable one for me. I feel more sure after each reading that I will come away with what I needed If I will just get out of my own way.
I'm also keeping in mind that I own all these books. They aren't going anywhere! I can sit down with them for YEARS to come. I'm also confident that I will connect with people at the right time who would be willing to go through them again with me and join in more rich conversation. That's why these books are classics and have stood the test of time, they speak anew each time we encounter them.
I cherish your contributions to the blog and the class! Thank you for stepping into the "arena."
Ms. Diaz,
DeleteI will have to check out Brene Brown's work, it sounds transformative. I'm looking forward to class tonight!
Thanks for this exchange, all three of you. I myself am not a scholar, have no advanced degrees, and haven't advanced the boundaries of human knowledge even one inch. I have learned to work from where I am. If I don't understand something, someone will eventually help me see a bit further. In the meanwhile, I dwell on the few things I think I understand and see if I can dig deeper into them. I don't even bother with big things like Nirvana or Enlightenment. One benefit of studying like this for over 40 years is that I've grown shameless and am ok with saying just what I think at the moment. SJC has allowed me to be irresponsible like this!
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